Goodbye Again...

Matt left for his second deployment on October 17, 2008. People have been asking how it was that day he left, and how we are dealing with it now he is gone. And the truth is, we are dealing with it one day at a time. Here's a little glimpse of how that day went.

The day he left we took Skylar to school together in the morning. We decided not to keep her home and just let her have as normal a day as possible. He had to be up at his unit around 5:30 that evening, so we had all day to lounge around the house and get his last minute items gathered. We picked Skylar up from school at 2:00 and wanted to go out and spend a little more time together as a family. I watched him dress in his ACU's and lace up his boots one last time. I always hated how he'd leave his size 13 desert boots in the middle of the hallway, and now that's something I miss seeing--his boots and his uniforms scattering the house. We went to the PX and got some ice cream and spent our last moments together laughing and taste testing each other's flavors. It was pretty perfect.

When we finally made it up to his unit, there were hundreds and hundreds of soldiers and families scattering the area (not to mention all the green duffle bags everywhere). I picked a spot to sit with the kids while Matt went to the arms room to check out his M-16 rifle and his other sensitive items (night vision goggles, etc). While we waited I watched quietly as the first group of soldiers filed onto the blue buses. I watched them say goodbye to their wives (a significant number of them pregnant), newborn babies, children, parents and some of them didn't have anyone to say goodbye to at all. My heart ached as I knew in a few short hours we would be doing the same thing. But not yet, not just yet. We still had a few hours left together. The majority of the next few hours we spent waiting around and listening to the Colonel or First Sgt. talking about what was going to come next, when the buses would arrive, etc. The girls ran around doing cartwheels and summersaults in the grass to pass the time.

Soon they were lining their bags up on the basketball courts, and a dog arrived to sniff them all before they were loaded onto a huge truck. At this point I had only known I was pregnant for a few weeks and was feeling rather sick. It started to get dark and soon it started to rain. The buses weren't there yet and nobody seemed to have any idea when they'd be there. The kids were ornery because it was 9:30 (way past their bedtime) and they hadn't eaten anything but ice cream. That's when I decided it was time to say goodbye. Maya had a hard time letting go of her daddy's neck. Matt had been carrying Maya and his M-16 simultaneously for the past few hours and she was getting nervous about him leaving. After all, the last time he went on deployment she was barely one. We hugged and kissed and said our I love you's, and each of the girls had their turn saying goodbye to their daddy. I started off into the dark night holding each of my daughters' hands as the rain fell harder. We were alone; a piece was missing. A heavy, overwhelming feeling came over me almost immediately, a feeling that I knew so well from the 15 months I spent alone during the first deployment. This was a weight that wouldn't be lifted until his arrival, but at least it was familiar and at least I remembered somewhat how to deal with it. I didn't cry and neither did the girls at first. But of course, the sobfest came later in the week, late at night while no one was around (and a piece of strawberry cheesecake to comfort me).

People ask how we do it, how we are able to live our lives. Sure things get hard without him around, but we live life just like anybody else--one day at a time. Yes, it's hard being stuck on an island in the middle of the Pacific, with no family around for support. And sure it's hard being pregnant and taking care of two kids alone, paying all the bills, and taking care of essentially everything by myself. But, it does eventually get easier and this is just one trial we have to overcome. We have so many blessings and things to be thankful for that it doesn't seem so bad having to put up with the hard things for a while. With faith and through prayer and reading the scriptures, I don't feel so alone and I know we will make it. I know that he will return home to us safely if we keep having that faith and living as righteously as we can. Even though we are physically alone on this island, I know my family and friends are just a phone call away. And God is always with us.